I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
