1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Randomize
