Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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