Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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