I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
