Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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