Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Ladies don't puke and tell
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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