my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
