Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
