Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
