i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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