i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
