i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
