This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
