When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
