You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
