Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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