Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
