Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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