So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
