Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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