He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
