i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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