I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
