Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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