Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
