I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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