pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
