So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
