You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
