Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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