how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
