So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
