All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
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