i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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