I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
