i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
