Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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