Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
