Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
