My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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