I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
