he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
