we have officially lost it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
