3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
