I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
