My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
