Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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