You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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