On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
